"You have that glow about you..."

So yeah, I work with some really sweet people.

...and as that could be taken sarcastically, it's not. I actually do mean it in a good way...this time.

One of my co-workers walked in this morning, the convo went something like this...

Co-worker - "So, I have to ask you something, because I have noticed a difference in you lately."
Me - "Ohhhh-k, go for it."
Co-worker - "I have noticed a certain glow about you..."
Me - "Oh??"
Co-worker - "Yeah, like a glow people speak of when someone is, well you know...sooo...are you?"
Me - "Well, nope. I am not. *smile* We are and have been desperately trying, but no luck yet. We may be amping up the possibilities more soon, so maybe it's just a pre-glow...a glow of anticipation!"
Co-worker - "Oh, that must be it! Well then I hope it happens soon, so good luck...I figured I would ask."

It was actually a pretty cute conversation, especially seeing as how it was coming from a male co-worker...and I think that would be scary territory for most men. I certainly took no offense to it. At least he didn't point to my stomach and ask when I was due...that may have left the conversation a little less appealing in my memory!! :P

As far as the pregnancy subject goes...we may be getting close to trying some other options. We have done some soul searching and have decided to keep it as private a matter as possible, as opposed to times before where I felt like everyone knew what was going on and we kind of lost any chance of an element of surprise. So, just keep us in your prayers. We desperately want to be parents, in God's right timing and we continue to remain optimistic and have faith that in time, God will give us the desires of our heart.

...this is entertainment?

April writing...

I have been researching what I am going to post about for about 45 minutes now, after reading about it on PerezHilton.com (as he isn't the most notable source online.) I have many emotions running through me about this subject and I want to keep as clear a head and have all my information in line...I am blogging about a new web series called "Bump+."

“Bump+,” which is a faux “reality show” about three women out of about 300 who were chosen to participate in a show that will follow them for four weeks, chronicling their struggle to decide whether to have their unplanned babies or abort them. In addition to following their stories, viewers will “decide how our characters’ stories will end,” says executive producer Dominic Iocco. “We’ve opened the official website to comments and our team will craft the final episodes based on audience feedback. The choice is really up to you.” Viewers are encouraged to submit their own stories and comments."

To be honest, this is the part that got me..."the viewers will decide how our characters stories will end? So you mean to tell me, viewers of this web series decide whether this "faux" pregnant girl keeps her baby or not? Disgusting.

According to the show’s co-producer Christopher Riley, the show is “an experiment to see if a story [can succeed] where nearly four decades of angry rhetoric and political posturing have failed. We’re not making a moral or political statement; hopefully, we’re starting a conversation with the audience.”

I suppose they say that is their goal...but I can't see the benefit of us deciding. I could understand it if they did a reality show that followed the stories of pregnany women with "unwanted" pregnancies...but not the part that America decides that babies fate. Some have argued for this show stating, that because of how America votes, in a sense we are deciding the fate of unwanted pregnancies; but to put it in a reality show format, almost game show style...who gets the prize at the end? What is the prize? Is the baby the prize, or being baby-free?

The creators say that this project is designed to "our single goal is to engage people in an honest conversation, people in both sides of this issue, we want to bring into a conversation that is not name calling, not what we typical hear; An honest conversation where listening is the first step in the conversation."

Other statements from the Creators...

"We chose the reality show medium because of the attraction to young people."

"We want an honest, frank discussion. Only about two thirds of the conversation is scripted."

"The females are casted. They are actresses. We looked for the best match between the performer and the role."

So, you aren't even watching real stories...but scripted stories. Is that not by design intended to lean us towards feeling or thinking certain thoughts about that woman's story??

I just don't get how we have come down to the decision to carry or not to carry a baby has been labeled in any way "entertainment." Which is what they have done. If not they would have done a documentary where there is unbiased filming and the decisions are purely left up to the REAL characters...not the writers and America!!

One commenter on a site I ran across said this, "Yes, let's "start a conversation with the audience" by filling a situation with so many ifs and buts, it becomes extremely unlikely if not completely unrealistic. When difficult if not extreme cases are used to promote the sweeping legalization of what remains murder, the very premise becomes dishonest. In that way, it's no different than parading poor uninsured people to promote stabilized health care, or pointing out rare and unlikely case of self-defense failures to abolish private gun ownership."

As I did, please form your own opinions. Feel free to go by the Official Site of Bump+ and read about it yourself. Maybe even follow along and have your opinions heard, along with the, I am sure to me thousands of other opinions as this show continues.

As for me...I am against it, and I will be doing my best to share my opinion on the matter.

To get you started, here are the characters and the storylines, laid out in the first episode...*the following is taken from another blogger.

“Denise”

The first episode is less than nine-minutes long, and in it we are introduced to the three women at the office of Dr. Patterson (Andray Johnson). Denise (Isabelle Giroux) is the mother of two who is “addicted” to red candies; she helps herself to all of the red Starbursts in the bowl at the receptionist’s desk despite being told they are intended for children. Denise seems a bit like a space cadet; like she’s on something. She’s the mother of two children and we learn that her spouse (boyfriend?) is abusive. She asks for codeine, then tells Dr. Patterson that when Buzz is nice, he helps her with the children and “he’s a real godsend.” The doctor sees terrible bruises on her neck, which he finds hidden under her turtleneck sweater.

Is this why Denise is considering the abortion of her third child? Does she not want to bring another life into an abusive home? Or is it that she is simply overwhelmed by her life’s circumstances and doesn’t want an additional complication?

“Jason” and “Hailey”

We then meet Hailey (Lyndsey Doolen), who is accompanied by her boyfriend Jason (Angelo Restaino). Out of all three of the women, Hailey seems the least concerned about the difficult decision ahead of her and more excited about being on a reality show. Her answers to questions by the off-camera producer seem too much like an audition for a part in a commercial. Jason seems just as eager for fame, saying after the nurse escorts them into the examining room, “We did it, we did it!” and rubbing his hands with glee as he looks for things to “play with” as they wait. Sadly, in real life, I can imagine that exploiting one’s pregnancy would appeal to someone who is dying to become the next Kate Gosselin, Heidi Montag or other reality show star.

Hailey has been pregnant before, giggling as she tells Dr. Patterson, “I get pregnant really easily.” So is this really a “difficult decision” for Hailey? And one wonders if she has not heard of birth control, especially as we learn she is hoping to enter a nursing program. Dr. Patterson asks her how having a newborn will affect her ability to carry out her studies. She seems confused, at which point Dr. Patterson asks if she has already come to a conclusion. Jason jumps in and says no real decision has been made, but “we’re good to go on the show.” Ugh. Slimy boyfriend? Yep, they’re really out there too.

“Dr. Patterson” and “Katie”

After Hailey, we meet Katie (Tina Schlapprizzi). She is obviously the one who seems most affected by the choice she must make. “Once I make it,” she says, “I can’t go back.” She stopped taking prescribed hormone therapy because it didn’t seem to be working, her husband is a soldier who has been sent to Iraq, and she says there is no one in her life she can go to about her pregnancy. She begs Dr. Patterson for his personal views and advice on abortion, but he won’t say anything other than that he is there to “support you to make the best decision that you can.” When he asks her how long her husband has been deployed overseas, she doesn’t answer him – which would explain why she feels she cannot go to anyone she knows about her problem.

I am sure I will watch, in hopes of not showing support, but rather gleaning the knowledge I need to share my opinions on the nature of an "experiment" like this, and I challenge you to make your opinions heard on their site as well!

What are your thoughts??

*Please know that this is a safe-zone for comments, there will be no bashing of other's beliefs, name-calling or the like. Just like I did in regards to this show, gather your information and make your sound, voice and opinions heard if you wish; but let it be done in a considerable manner. If not, your comments will be deleted.*

I got baby snuggles...

April writing...

Sorry I came to blog empty handed...that is with NO pictures...but I still got to see Mr. Cole Thomas this morning! He was such a cute snuggly little guy. Manda did a great job and I am so proud of her...Tom looked like a beaming proud papa. I am so happy for the both of them!

Holding him made me REALLY ready for our own little one! In fact I may have gotten into the car and told Cory, "I want one." haha! And on that note, it looks like Cory and I will be starting IVF soon...I am REALLY excited...nervous...and I just have an overall sense of readiness. Especially given all the babies about to pop out! :)

I will keep you updated as much as I can. We are going to try and keep this process a little on the personal side, as to keep a potential + a surprise to family and friends. So prayers are greatly appreciated.

Congrats to Manda and Tom and good luck to future parents Dave and Goldie and Brandy and Dan who will have their little ones VERY soon! :)

IVF.

April writing...

Our future with IVF.

So I went to my RE today.

Cory went with.

I had a Hystosonogram done. Doc found two polyps. Boo.

However, she did say that we are excellent candidates for IVF.

I have great egg #’s, Cory has great #’s.

We discussed our concerns and we were really informed on the ways of IVF.

Sooo…

It looks like within the next two months I will start my first IVF cycle.

I do have one more procedure though. Ehhh.

A Hysteroscopy.

To remove the two polyps, in order to make my Uterus a happy place for the embryos to attach. : )

Doc said, we can draw the line at only fertilizing 6 eggs, that way at least half (maybe more) should become healthy, good embryos.

She will only implant 1-2. No More.

She says, she doesn’t want to make headlines…nor do We.

If there are any eggs left over…we are pretty sure that our insurance covers the cost of freezing them.

So.

That’s where we are.

I’m excited. Anxious. Nervous. Hopeful.

…and eagerly looking forward.

...mixed emotions.

April writing...

I just talked with my Nurse, Casey. She's a doll. Unfortunately for her, she handed me another big box of questions...questions that I will have to be patient with before I get my answers.

Let me get you caught up with our Infertility struggle...many of you know what's going on, but for those of you who don't. Here's the skinny.

Cory and I have been trying for a little over 3 years to conceive. We have tried it naturally, we have done three rounds of Clomid/naturally, 2 rounds of injections with one round with and IUI (Intra-Uterine Insementation) and one round naturally. The medicine rounds were all completed between March 08-November 08. Then we took a break for the holidays, for our sanity, etc.

During that time, I decided to find another RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) office to work with. One that would at least be closer to work, one where I wouldn't have to pay for parking, one where I would feel more cared for, more important...less like a number on thier charts.

We found Shady Grove...and we LOVE them. My doctor is amazing...she really took her time with us, answering all our questions, going over my history, even making sure Cory was really included in the process. We had to take a couple of steps backwards...she wanted to re-do some tests that I had already had done, like the HSG, more bloodwork and more ultrasounds. Originally I had my first HSG done back on 06...towards the beginning of this process. Dr. Brilliant (my regular GYN) performed this horrid procedure and thought that my Fallopian Tubes may be blocked. So we then had an HHP done. That's basically a procedure where they go do a Laproscopy to go in an determine if I am blocked and if there are any other abnormalities. There were no blockages, only a few cysts on my ovaries, that were resected. All was well.

Well, with this HSG (done on Monday, 4/6) they couldn't see my tubes at all. The dye that they inject wouldn't even go near the tubes, ha! I mean...she tried everything...pushing more dye, having me roll back and forth on the table...nothing. She said either I was "blocked" or my "tubes were too constricted, since they are muscles...I might be too tense." Also, she saw what looked like some polyps on the inner-outside edge of my Uterus. We knew after talking with our Doctor initially that if my tubes were blocked that more than likely we were looking at IVF as our next option. The Doc that did my HSG said I would hear from Dr. Timmerock (my Shady Grove doc) this week.

Today I got a call from Casey, our Nurse. She informed us that Dr. Timmerock did see what were possibly polyps in my Uterus, so she wants us to do a Hystosonogram. That will take a closer look to find out what they polyps are...and how they may impact us. Then we will have a follow up appt with her to discuss the next steps.

I feel...bummed...relieved...scared...curious...confused...ehhhh.

To be honest, Cory and I are a little weary of the idea of IVF...mainly because we aren't completely educated on it. We have concerns about the idea that there may be extra embryos...and WHAT do we do with them...we can't just toss them...they are little lives.

I dunno. We are just going to do alot of praying, research and get our questions answered by the professionals. I know God has the end in mind, he is in control of this situation. We just need to let Him to his thing...trust in Him and believe that one day soon, we will have our little one.

So there you have it...you are all caught up. What are your thoughts? Have you had any friends go through the IVF process...? What is a Christian perspective on what to do with the leftover embryos? Storage fees may be too expensive. If you have no thoughts...please just keep us in your prayers...those are always greatly appreciated!

Understanding Infertility...

April writing...

I am doing some reading on the Shady Grove Infertility website (the office that I am probably switching over to soon.) They have a very informative website...so I figured I would share some of the information that I am reading with you, along with more of our story.

"Eighty five percent of all couples trying to conceive will become pregnant within one year. Approximately 7 million or 1 in 6 couples will have difficulty conceiving and may need medical help to identify and treat the possible causes of infertility. The good news is that there are treatments now to help almost everyone.

Infertility is a disease of the reproductive system that inhibits a couple's ability to have a baby. Infertility affects men and women equally without discrimination and for this reason both partners should actively participate in the diagnosis and treatment process. Infertility is not uncommon and you are not alone.

40% of all infertility cases may be attributed to the woman, 40% to the man, in 10% of cases both partners contribute to the problem, and 10% of the time the cause can not be identified and it is unexplained."

April's thoughts - I have never heard of Infertility referred to as a "disease" thats interesting to me...and also helpful. For some I am sure that comes with a sigh of relief, I mean after all you could think...no one can really defer a DISEASE from entering thier body...so that eases the thoughts of "Why couldn't I have stopped this?" or "I could have done this differently." The answer is no...for the majority of women/men with infertility issues, they never saw it coming nor could they have done anything to stop it.

For us, so far at least. We have fallen into the "Unexplained" section...that's 10% of the people that struggle with Infertility. And let me just say, it's no easier NOT knowing than knowing what is wrong and why it's not happening for us.

"Defining Infertility
The standard definition of infertility is the inability to achieve a pregnancy after one year of unprotected intercourse in couples where the woman is under age 35. Because a woman's fertility declines naturally as she gets older, couples should consider seeking medical help after six months of trying when the female partner is over age 35.

Why is age so important?
A woman’s fertility peaks in her mid-20’s, begins to decline around 27 and drops off more steeply after age 35. A woman’s fertility is measured by her ability to achieve a pregnancy on a given month. For women, the ability to conceive is tied to the quality of her eggs. As women age, hormonal changes begin to take place. There is a lot going on but of particular interest are the two main hormones controlling the development and release of the egg each month. These are FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) LH (lutenizing hormone).

A rising FSH level is linked to a decreasing egg quality. Decreased egg quality means it becomes more difficult for the sperm to fertilize the egg naturally. There may even be chromosomal abnormalities occurring within the egg itself, which is why amniocentesis is recommended for pregnant women over 35.

To illustrate this point, the natural pregnancy rate for women >30 is 20-30% per month but by age 40 the likelihood of conception occurring drops to > 5% per month."

April's thoughts - Wow...so it's good to know that at least I am still in a decent age range...I mean, when I was younger I thought I would be DONE having kids by now...but I guess God always has bigger and better plans.

As far as our story...well, we have officially been 'trying' or 'practicing' for 4 years. To be honest, the time has flown by...however that doesn't make it any less frustrating. We are very patient people and we have seen God's hand through it all. There have been so many times that we have been thankful to have not had children yet when things have come our way. We have seen this opportunity to get financially ready, to prepare our home more and to learn more and more about ourselves as a couple and how we will parent our own children. We still firmly believe that our day is coming soon and what a JOY it will be when it does!!

We plan on continuing in our Infertility battle and trying for our little one...hopefully this new office will offer some new energy and a renewed sense of goal!

Here's to a baby in 2009...

Too bad...oh too sad news.

April writing...

I spoke with my wonderful nurse, Sonya earlier. It looks like Cory and I aren't pregnant this time around.

:(

We are STILL staying positive...we know God has His plans.

I won't lie and say I am not super bummed...but I know all good things come to those who wait. In the meantime I find pleasure in knowing that a few of my new friends on my fertility website are getting their BFP's. (Big Fat Positives) They are pregnant now and that brings me joy, yes even in seeing someone else get something that I want so badly. I'm not heartless! I also know that one more month not pregnant just gives us more time to pay down debt and get our house remodeling done.

*that's me, just looking for the positive in everything!!*

Sonya says all the pieces and parts are there and working as they should, so we have no reason to believe that this won't happen for us...we just may have to work a little harder at it. So off we go...

We are headed into IUI round #2 this next week. Please pray for us. So far, Cory has been holding up and dealing with any of my slight hormonal/emotional swings like a real champ, and my body has done well adjusting to the medications, my weight...well not so much. So hopefully I can get a handle on that before they UP my dosage! :) (Or else I may REALLY eat the whole house this time!)

We will keep you in the LOOP!!! :) Thanks again for all the support guys!!!

This waiting is making me nuts

NOW don't call me CRAZY yet...

April writing...

I just thought that this was truly interesting...(Thanks Sarah for pointing that site out to me.)

http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/1-week-pregnant.html

If you have been hanging around enough you know that both Cory and I have all things baby on the mind...no...we don't know IF we are pregnant or not yet...however...the thought of it being a positive test result is consuming our brain, so reading about potentially BEING pregnant seems like a smart thing to do.

So I did. :) *there now I feel justified*

MEN you may want to read no further...unless you are and OB/GYN in your spare time...

Ok...so I didn't know that the measured pregnancy in weeks from the first day of your menstrual cycle. It seems weird to me. But according to some sites I have been reading today, that's the truth.

Has anyone else heard this? Any thoughts? Is it just me or does that not make much sense?!

A silly-mental-waiting game...

April writing...

Here we are Monday afternoon and I am sleeeeeepy. I am blaming (wholeheartedly) my medicine and NOT the fact that I stayed up till 1:00 am last night watching TV with a stomach ache. I am blaming the medicine because it has increased my appetite...which caused me to eat last night, later than I would normally...thus giving me a stomach ache that kept me up watching TV until 1:00 am.

You see, it's a vicious cycle.

...and NO, I don't want to hear anything about how I didn't HAVE to eat (although the thought of not putting something in my stomach was nauseating)...I know that I didn't HAVE to eat chicken nuggets and tater tots. This was not a smart idea, I know. Nor was watching the second episode of Ugly Betty when instead I should have just turned off the TV, popped a tums in my mouth, rolled over and forced myself to go to sleep.

But I didn't...and now I am paying the consequences. Albeit NOT my fault. :)

However, in all this I guess I DO have to admit that this very medicine which has caused me so much sleepy-hungry-grief, could possibly have been the deciding factor in our quest for a baby...so I can't complain much...rather I shouldn't complain much. I guess it's just that I have 11 1/2 days until I find out if we are pregnant...and keeping my mind on other things...even if they are complaining about my appetite and sleepiness, is keeping me from going crazy and running to the nearest Walgreen's for a pregnancy test!!!! (and who am I kidding, even if I DID take a test...it's still too early to tell.)

If I can be vulnerable for a moment...I am just feeling REALLY ready. It kinda goes through phases with me. I mean, I WANT a baby...WE want a baby, but there are days when I FEEL it even more...and since the IUI on Friday I have been FEELING it. So I am not trying to over react when I FEEL anything else...i.e. a little nausea, 'tater' tenderness or having to go to the bathroom frequently. I can't get caught up in all that...it's too early for that. Besides...I did drink alot of tea this weekend, I did lay on my back for a long period of time last night (which always makes me a bit nauseous) and as far as the tenderness goes, I think that's just a mental game.

I'm just ready...but I DO know that even if it doesn't happen this time...it WILL happen eventually and at the best time possible for Cory and I.

So....until then...I will probably continue to complain a little about my medicine and it's side effect woes. Cory will probably keep plugging away at finding his favorite ideas for baby names because he can't seem to remember the few that I have picked out as my favorite! :) (and luckily we have ruled out Ariel and Anastasia...yeah. Don't ask.)

This is what we will have to do until the dreaded two week wait is over. It's not that dreaded I guess...a bit of a lesson in patience...but after all isn't having children one HUGE lesson an patience...so I guess we are just starting early.

11 1/2 days to go...I can do this.

I've dropped by twice already...

April writing...

I've come to blog two times already this morning, but I haven't been ready to I guess. I have been out of it, like, majorly this weekend.

I can sum up my weekend in 5 pictures...

LOTS of these...

Alot of this...

alot of slathering on of this great stuff...

LOTS and LOTS of this...

And of course alot of this...

Yep...to say the least I have been SICK...

It was horrible. By the end of it all I also have a stinkin' ear infection! However, I wake up today...and it all seems to be leaving me...slowly...but still. It's leaving me.

I am coughing like nobodies business, but hoping that all the ick is just wanting to jump out of me...so I am helping it along!!! (all the while covering my hands in hand sanitizer after every cough!) I am not trying to spread my germs around work!!!

IN other GOOD health related news...we have ONE large follicle working it's way out! (I would have liked to seen more...but hey...ONE is better than NONE, so that works for me!) I saw my Doc yesterday and we saw my large follicle during the backwards sonogram and he said it is all looking good! He increased my dose of Follistim to 75 units, as he wants to see my Estrogen level increase a little bit more as well. So I am upping my dose and I am scheduled to see him again Wednesday morning. Hopefully then we will know when the IUI is scheduled!!!!

I am getting so excited!!! I feel really positive about it all...and we are just ready to give this a go! We will see what is in store for us!!

Grow Follies Grow!

April writing...

This is my Follicle update for Friday....hooooraaaahhhh!

I went to see my Doc this am...had some blood work done...again...boo. And I had another backwards sonogram...boo. But this is a necessary evil.

He said I have two healthy growing follicles in my right ovary and one healthy growing follicle in the left ovary. This is a good thing! They look something like this...(this big black circle in the middle is a maturing follicle, although that is not a picture of mine!)

He also said, "it is still early...so you may get one or two more and some of these that you have now may not fully mature." The more follicles the merrier...however we have been told that over 3 mature follicles increases our chance of multiples...so I am good with 3! :) So we are looking good for now...and I will hear back later, based on my blood work results about whether or not he will be increasing my dose.

So onto more shots...(of which I have found that the right side of my belly is not down with the shots...) so for now it's shots in the left side for me! I have a few little pinhole marks on my belly that show where I have taken the shots before...I should be all marked up before it is all said and done!

Here we go FOLLIES, Here we go!!!!

The shot heard round the world...ok not really...

April writing...

So I did it!!! I took my first Follistim shot last night and survived. Cory barely made it out alive though!! *poor little guy got squeamish when I asked him to take pictures for me!*

Here I am getting it all ready...I look confused, that's cause I was...my nerves were making me forget everything I learned, glad I took Cory with me...he was so helpful.

Here I am opening the medicine...that as trick as it was in the office thankfully. Now I have to clean it all up.

I take 50 units...so I dialed it up...

And there's the needle...not too bad actually. Basically a little thicker than a strand of hair or maybe like 4 of them...but whatever.

OOOOK....here I go. This is me telling Cory that he can put it on 'continuous shot', hold up the camera and close his eyes. Which he did...but I still needed my pictures!! *ps don't mind the lard I am holding in my hand, thankfully the lard is my friend...can't feel it as much going in! Thank you Lard...haha*

And in we go...oh, that's not bad at all!!!

YEAH I did it!!! I survived...

And so did my wittle Cory :) Thank you baby for taking pictures, this is going to be an important journey to talk about later in life!! Now we have pictures to go with it!

So all in all, it wasn't that bad at all. The area around the injection site felt warm for about 10 minutes afterwards...and it kind of felt like I was still pinching the lard for a while too. Here I am almost a half a day away from the shot and I am feeling good...and praying that it's doing it job, just the way it should. WE WANT OUR BABY! :)

Day One...

April writing...

I start my shots tonight. Yep. Day One of my Follistim injections. I am ubber excited...ehhhh.

I will be sure to take pictures to document my IUI preparing process, because that is just what I do.

I am seriously nervous. I mean up until this point in all our 'trying' it has been for the most part a natural process. But we are no entering into uncharted territory where we are needed a little outside help to, well get the little guys where they need to go.

It's crazy to me to think that literally by October 24th we could be and know that we are pregnant. AHHHHHH! So of course being the girl that I am, all of these thoughts are flooding my brain...are we really ready? Can I handle actually being pregnant? What if we have twins? or triplets? What if it doesn't work? What if it hurts? ehhhhh...

...
... *sigh*
...
...
... *sigh*
...
...
... *sigh*
...
...

But I have to breath...I really do. I have been great up until this point and I can't let a bunch or random nutty thoughts start bringing me down...

We are positive that this is the next step for the both of us, and we know it will happen in God's timing so...well, I guess we will just buckle up and see where the ride takes us.

I will post more later tonight about my first shot...and a picture too!!!

Till then...cross all your fingers and toes for us...and pray...HARD! :)

At the risk of getting too personal...

April writing...

I need to tell you about my day today...but it may seem personal though...so either grin and bear through it...cause for some reason I feel you are all important enough to know about it...or shy away and read no further...

You've been warned.

So this morning, I went to my first of many doctor's appointments, including blood work and an internal sonogram..which I like to call the "backwards sono." *yep that is as fun as it sounds...uh-huh*

I should be starting to take Follistim daily here soon for around 8-12 days. Depending on some factors such as follicle growth, endometrium lining thickness and estrogen and progesterone levels. I am expecting a call about when I will be starting. During this time I will be going to the Doc's every 2-3 days for more blood work and one of those "backwards sono's." *yeah* It's all good though, remember we are WANTING a baby...so if this is what we need to do...then so be it.

After meeting with the Doc and getting the news that I will have to wait until later today to find out exactly when I will start my shots. *yep, Follisim is daily shots in the stomach...more fun* Which is fine, I mean I have waited this long...I can handle it.

I then went to met with Sonya, my Doc's Nursing coordinator. (well after paying for parking, leaving the garage and heading out of Balto City that is. We had to turn around and go back and yep, you guessed it...pay for parking again!) But it was a necessary evil as I needed to find out HOW to give myself the injections...which is the whole reason I dragged Cory with me in the first place to the dreadful 'Lady Doctor" place to begin with...which is, "no place for a man" he begged. *not really, he didn't' say that...but I can read those eyes!*

Anyways, after being there for nearly 2 hours...we were finally done, and I was headed back to work. Here's where it may get personal for any of you readers of the...Male variety...you ladies will understand.

I was feeling fine leading up to my appointment...girlie-wise that is. You see, before I have to start my medicine, I have to go for the "backwards sono" during my TOM (time of the month), which seems about as absolutely repulsive as it is. I was having a light day...(again ladies, you get this...but for the brave men that may still be reading...here's a brief but somewhat understandable explanation for those that may not know.)

*brief pause for the man-explanation.* You know how when you go to the fast food restaurant and you can order your meal as a small, medium or large? Well for us women, our TOM can come in similar varieties...only we call them light, medium, heavy. And I am sure you can pick up what I am putting down now, enough to know what I mean. If not...ask your significant others...it may seem like you are asking because you care and you may even earn bonus points. *No problem for the help, its free*

Anyways, so before my appointment...I'm doing great...I'm light. After the appointment however...not so much. Can we say heavy?! And I am serious. I ate as soon as I could to get some nutrients in my body...slapped my Thermacare heating pad on my abdomen *those little babies are a Godsend* and tried to go about my day at work. Well it was excruciating. In fact I do believe one of my text messages to my dear hubby stated something about me telling him I will let him know, "when I die" cause the pain was that bad.

Well about an hour and half ago, I was sorting the mail...during one of my brief moments of feeling well enough to stand...and I dropped some mail on the ground. Well I bent over at the waist to pick it up, instead of bending down with my knees...bad idea. When I stood back up, I immediately got light-headed and grasped the counter for support...but that wasn't helping. I felt really heavy on my left side, then all of sudden...well. BOOM! Man down...er Woman down that is. I hit my head on the wall...hit the ground and came back around. I crawled to my chair, somewhat in tears and all I was able to do was reach for my phone to page a co-worker to come and help me. She did...another Godsend for me today.

She already knew about my lady woes today, cause that's what we ladies do...we share about it. I dunno it brings us closer together...and well other ladies they just always understand. So between the two of us, she helped me back to her area, (away from the front desk) she sat me in a chair and had me eat a banana (in case it was my potassium or iron that was low), a granola bar (for some simple sugars, in case it was my sugar level) and drink a coke (just cause that always helps).

It wasn't long before I stopped shaking, but my head still felt really heavy on the left side. Kind of like I need a V-8. Remember those commercials? Yeah it was like that. She said I was even leaning really far to the left in my chair. *funny now, not so much then*. It was about that time that Cory was texting me to check in with me..."How are your cramps?" Aweee what a doll. I was all, "funny you asked..blah blah blah." and got him all caught up on the situation.

Well, I am feeling much better now...no more light-headedness or shaking. I still feel extremely crampy...but oh well. What can I do?

And yes, for those of you who are wondering, I called my Doctor to see about what the heck just happened. I talked to another doc in his office and he said, "Most likely your iron is low. You did a good job with what you ate and drank. Watch for a headache or any light-headedness in the next hour...if you have any problems call us immediately."

So, I am now on headache watch and pacing myself for my drive home. Feeling much better, but ready for a nap when I get home. And also...for those of you keeping track for me...yes, I got a call about when I will be starting the shots. That is tomorrow night. I take them in the evening daily, then my next appointment for the blood work and "backwards sono" is Friday morning.

So...here's to a better, more *lighter* shall we say, evening...and that I do well with my shots. Thanks for listening..and if there are any men left...thanks for being so BRAVE :)

Stinkin' Labor Day.

April writing...

Boo. That one word can sum up my emotions right now. Boo. Boo. Boo.

I missed my window of time to start my medicine for the IUI procedure. Without getting too personal, the timing of a few pertinent things was just off...that and the long holiday weekened, coupled with some misunderstandings on my part...well that leaves us at...oops.

So it looks like we will be giving it another shot at the end of September sometime. I am now clear on the process and hopefully I have it all figured out!

So...now you know. Boo.

Told you I'd be back...

April writing...

Well this is another informative Blog.
After my last post about Unexplained Infertility, you should basically be caught up on where we are currently. But to bring you a little more up to speed, allow me to explain our next step.

*note* this blog will be filled with links, so if your interested, follow the links to get more details about this process. Some links may be graphic in their description, however knowledge is power! :)

We are going to be doing an IUI. This is the basically the most logical next step in a series of processes that many women with fertility issues go through. We have already done three round of med only/Clomid and trying it all the natural way. Usually after 3-4 rounds on Clomid the doc wants you to rest for a month or two, to build up some natural elements in the women to help aid in implantation. I have been resting since the beginning of June. My doc didn't recommend doing any more rounds of Clomid, he thought in order to increase our chances of a pregnancy, we would look into IUI. So that is where we are.

Now, this isn't just a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am kinda deal. There will also be doctors appt's (one every 2-3 days), medications (including daily shots) and sonograms at most of those appt's. Let me tell you a little about the meds I will be taking.

Follistim - This will be a daily injection that I give myself in the stomach. This drugs basic job is to stimulate Follicle growth. Thus increasing the odds of fertilizing the eggs, as there may be more eggs to choose from. This drug also increases the chance of multiples by about 10-12% according to most research I have seen.
Ovidrel - This drug seems to do the same job as the Follistim, and I am not quite sure yet of it's job as used in conjunction with the Follistim. So I will be finding out more about that when I meet with my Doctor.
Prometrium - This is basically progesterone. Which is needed to promote the fertilization of an egg along with a healthy uterine wall lining.

With all that being said, it is alot to take in. Alot of reading and research that I have been doing. I am both nervous and excited. Cory and I are of course excited about the possibility of getting pregnant, but if it happens or not this time around...we understand that we are in God's timing. We have been graced with great insurance...so we will do what we can as we can until we are blessed with our own little baby or babies (as Cory would like!).

Keep us in prayers...it's going to be an interesting next few weeks. We are hopeful and putting the situation in Gods hands. So know you all know what the plan is...and hopefully if I complain about some side effects or I seem a little off...now you may know why. My body will be doing some changing and I am going to do my best to keep up!!! I will update as I can.

Adios!

Tuesday...blah blah blah.

April writing...

Yeah for Cory! He has blogged three times since last Monday!!! Yeah sweetie!! See you CAN do it!! Even when you have a rough shift!

Now onto the headache part. So I decided to wear a headband today. I haven't worn this headband before so it hasn't exactly been 'worked out' yet. It is squeezing the life out of my huge brain and now I have a headache. But I can't very well take it off, cause then my hair will look pushed back without a headband and that's not cool. EHHHHH!!! Oh well.

I spoke with my BABY Nurse yesterday, Sonya. (She is amazing by the way. She makes up for the docs kinda quiet and dry bedside manner) Anyways, she has ordered my medicine and I will be going in to see them sometime around the 26th-27th. So I am excited...yipps. Cory on the other hand is not super excited. I mean he wants a baby, but pretty much up until now I have been having to do all the hard work...and by hard work I mean...surgeries, procedures, sonograms, bloodwork, traveling to Baltimore in the morning before work and being poked and prodded. Well now he has to be poked and prodded a bit. And he's not liking it! :) haha. I am not laughing AT you baby...just at your reaction. It's like a kid that doesn't want to go to the dentist! But you will survive...and you will be doing your part for a healthy baby too! :) So...more prayers please! :)

I have been looking at ways to spruce up and excite my home business. Starting back in the summer of 06, I decided to look into becoming a custom scrapbook and memory designer. I set up my business model, gave it a name, Heartscape Designs and to date have completed three projects for three customers. I have one customer now that I am awaiting pictures from...(Melissa!!) I am eager to work on her wedding scrapbook! I would say since earlier this year I have kind of let this settle and worked on some other projects.

Well, I am gearing up again and here are just a few of the things I am excited about offering:
- Scrapbooking: 12 x 12, 8 1/2 x 11, 8 x 8, 6 x 6 Albums with pictures/Premade (Baby, First Year)
- Postcards, Note Cards, Thank You Cards, Invites, Announcements, Labels, Business Cards, etc. (Digitally created and printed)
- Blog Extras - Headers, Footers, Title Boxes (premade or especially designed)
- Frames, Shadow Boxes & Tins

I am looking for some 'test' customers. This would be at no cost to you...but I am looking for some people that would be willing to let me use some of thier pictures and basically set up a 'mock' project to use for my portfolio and website as samples. Here are the areas that I need testers:
1. Baby Announcements (if you have some sweet pics of the little ones with thier birth info and name)
2. Graduation Announcements (have a family member that has graduation and have a pic of them and the date)
3. Baby's First Year Scrapbook (I am gearing up to make a baby's first year scrapbook, looking for a boy and a girl with pictures from newborn up to 12 months)
4. Other: anything you wish to try.

Each tester will get a copy (for free, if it is a scrapbook, this does not include the album) and I will use the project as a sample for my business. I would love it if anyone would be interested. So just let me know and that would be a HUGE help to me!!!! Oh and of course if you are willing to be an actual customer and you have a project that you would like completed I am available as well. Thanks guys!

Pops or Bites...whatcha like? :)

April writing...

We were finally successful in the cupcake pops...well cupcake bites department. Aren't they too cute!?!? I think it is pretty much similar to the other idea...just not in lollipop form, and a little easier too...a few less steps. I am pleased.

I hope these little bites make a sweet addition to Brittany's shower...one that is quickly approaching might I add...eeeekkk!!

Now...in other news (ahhh I just had to) from our baby front since I haven't updated in a while and babies were the topic of my last conversation tonight. At the end of this month we SHOULD be proceeding (finally) with the IUI process (Intra-uterine insemenation) I will have to take some shots and lots of sonograms for about 10 days and then well, they do thier part and we wait. I say 'should' because it will all depend on some bloodwork and a few let's call them prerequisites. We are very excited and hopeful, yet grounded.

*allow me to get a little serious with you*

From the start Cory and I have always had a firm, faith-led belief that this pregnancy will happen in God's timing...and we continue with that belief. We have peace and understanding that all things happen for a reason, including and especially pregnancies. We have decided as a couple not to let this 'trying to get pregnant' consume our relationship. We have seen too many couples get entangled in the emotional ups and downs of this process, to then let ourselves get tripped up the same way. There are two many couples who get so caught up in the timing of it all that they lose who 'they' are together. Our time together is already so valuble to us, that taking it down a notch or two by saying things must be timed 'just so' just isn't something we are willing to do.

I know that there are people in our life that probably believe that we just must not really want it that bad...or we would be a little more proactive or stressed. After all it's been three years of trying! But what they aren't seeing is that we have a completely healthy and faith-filled outlook on this situation and we will continue to have that outlook.

Yes, I worry at times and yes, we both long to be parents and yes, there are times where I feel like it can't happen soon enough and yes, there are times where I get frustrated with the process and think 'why can't it just happen the normal way.'...but if I...if WE...allowed ourselves to get entangled in that web, well then we haven't actually progressed in life and in our relatinoship nor have we prepared ourselves for anything other than heartache.

My heart does ache for women that 'cannot have children' and over the past three years the thought that I may be one of those women has crossed my mind, I am human. But why in the world would I want to dwell on the negative? Especially after hearing soo many people say 'don't get stressed about getting pregnant, it only makes it harder to do so.' The funny part is, I feel abnormal because I am not stressed, and many of those same people who made the above statement seem to think we are living with our head in the clouds unwilling to face the fact that there may actually be something to be stressed about.

That's just not how we are. I believe in prayer and understanding of God's timing in my life. I welcome as many prayers as you could think to throw up to the 'big guy' on our behalf...I welcome advice and thoughtful words...we appreciate it all. Just know, we are dealing with this situation the best way we beleive God has created us to. And what we look forward to the most is being supported for what we believe and how we choose to travel this journey together as a couple.

I certainly hope this doesn't come across that I am angry or upset...I just want to set the record straight for any who may be wondering...do not fear for us, do not stress for us...just pray for us and rejoice with us that each day we all have together is blessing enough, should that be all that God chooses to BLESS us with. Thanks for allowing me to be a bit vulnerable with you.

*so much for just a simple blog about cupcake bites!!! teehee :) *

so disappointed.

April writing...

So this morning was Sunday am and I was pretty excited to head to church since we had missed the last two Sundays due to vacation. But again last night I just couldn't fall asleep. This has happened every night since our return from vacation. So when I finally woke up this morning at 10:15 I got up, used the restroom and decided to lay down for a few more minutes. I was just so sleepy. Even though I did get 8 hours of sleep. Well, next thing I know it is 12:40 and Cory is nudging me, to make me aware of that very fact. I couldn't believe it. I guess I had turned off my alarm when I went to the restroom and then decided while I was gone to sleep a little more not remembering that I had already shut it off.

So upsetting.

But this takes me to the other half of this situation. After I he wakes me up at 12:40, I am STILL exhausted. Like I literally can't keep my eyes open tired. My body doesn't feel rested and I fall back asleep. Skip to 2:15 when I actually wake up. I SLEPT 12 HOURS. Lately this has been a trend, not so much the 12 hours part, but the exhausted/sleepy/feel like I can't catch up on sleep part. I feel lately that no matter how long I sleep, I wake up tired. My body feels pretty rested usually, but not my mind. And I am pretty sure that it is not the 3 hour time difference from CA to here that has hurt me, cause there was this issue before vacation. So I it's not that I am a jetlag lightweight!

I don't know if I need to look into a new pillow, haha. Or if I need to start on new vitamins or what. But this is not going to work for me. I have such a desire to be able to get up an hour before I have to be to work (since I don't have to leave the house till 9 am!) but I just can't seem to get myself out of bed. It's horrible. I am also really nappy. I mean for the most part I have been fighting that desire to nap as soon as I get home each workday, but still. What is wrong with me???

And to answer any lingering questions that may have a connection to this subject...NO I am not pregnant. Auntie F just solidified that one (boo her) and NO I am not depressed or unhappy with my life and trying to sleep it away and NO our bed is not uncomfortable. I just don't get it.

So I deal today with my disappointment in sleeping through church...again. (yes it has happened before) and probably a little bit of Cory's disappointment as well. I know he hates to miss church, but when you work midnights, there isn't much choice. And I know he looks forward to hearing about how it went while he was home sleeping. But I can't answer those questions for him today.

Grrrr.
I just don't know.