I'm going to lose it.

I wanna lose weight.
I wanna be healthier.
I wanna be more active
I wanna get skinny.
I wanna wear cute clothes.
I wanna...what is it about the start of a new year that gets you thinking about all this crap? Granted, it's not a bad list of things to want for myself. However, it is frustrating.

If you've never struggled with your weight, you may not get what I am about to rant about...so read along if you must, just stop short of judging me if you can...or at least keep it inside if you do.

I've been laying in bed since Husby and I turned off the lights at 11:30pm. It is now 1:20am. I tried reading for a while, but that pit was back in my stomach. That knot that rises up on occasion that seems to keep my mind on nothing else but getting skinny.

skinny.
skinny.
S K I N N Y.

I kinda hate that word.

I tried reading a new book, but every other word just made me think about getting skinny. And trust me, the book has nothing to do about weight loss or 'skinny'ness.

If you must know, it's "Heaven is For Real."

I am thinking about it because I know it's time again. Time to try and lose weight...again. I hate even having to do it. And I hate even having the feeling of hate about having to do it.  

Chubsters will get that, you skinny folk...not so much.

I don't want to have to watch food go into my mouth for nutritional purposes only. I like food too much. Ugh.

...but for all the distaste I have in dieting and losing weight...I have even more of a distaste of my dunlop belly, the same belly that for the love of all of those around me, I desperately try to keep tucked in my 'a-couple-sizes-to-big-for-real-fashion' jeans. God bless the man I married that gets to see it, and still somehow, chooses to love me.

Please don't think this is the pity party section of the blog...that's coming later...I don't plan on going down that road, that's not what this is about.

I am just sharing...because I am wide awake...and oversharing is a thing I am pretty good at.

Speaking of oversharing...I hate that I keep thinking to myself, just hold off on dieting because this month I am finally going to get pregnant and I will start gaining pregnancy weight. I've been saying that for quite some time now. If I dieted through all the times I told myself to hold off  I would probably be the skinny version of myself that I am longing for.

Whatever.

And no, that's not an invitation for infertility pity either.

I am the type to hold my tongue usually on all things personal/infertility...I don't feel sorry for myself and neither should you. Gods got a plan...and I am sure in his bag of plans there is one for a skinnier me too. See, I can be positive on this weight loss subject.

My Mother-In-Law is the incredible shrinking woman right now...she's lost something like 49 pounds on this 17 Day Diet. I don't wanna do it.

Ugh. Diet. Ugh.

To those of you who know me...and are silently saying to yourself, 

wow for a positive person, this post is rather negative.

No, it's not really...I am positive that I hate this.

See?

Anyways...my MIL has lost 49 pounds and looks amazing. She's a diet rockstar. She is like the gold star of dieters. I kinda wanna be like her.

Ugh. Diet. Ugh.

So...I guess I am going to wake up...after I fall asleep, since now the eyes are getting heavy now that I have placed my rant up for the public to see...and I am going to order the book. Then I am going to have yet another conversation with Husby about how I hope he is ready for another wild diet ride. 

Babe, you're amazing to me during these diets...here's to hoping you don't starve.

Then I am going to have to pack away all of the wonderful recipes that I spent about 3 hours researching and pinning and printing and planning for tonight, I am going to have to toss out the whole e-mealz plan...or at least get prepared to get really creative with the pre-planned meals.

Then...I guess...I am going to lose it. Some of it. All of it.

Who knows, in the process I may actually get pregnant...finally...then I will be a smaller, much happier version of myself and I will be that much closer to being one of those cute pregnant ladies.

So here I go...

or something.

Oh..and seriously, don't feel like you have to comment.

I don't necessarily need the encouragement.

I know I don't need the told-you-so's.

You can offer up a firm "word-to-your-mother" if you are feeling me on anything I typed.

I'll hear ya.

And from one struggling chubster to the next...we will silently battle this dumb war together.

And that's just fine with me.