...blogging through it...

April writing...

I am not sure what my deal is. I had SUCH high hopes for how I would finish out this year. This might end up being a super vulnerable post for me, albeit truly needed.

Here's a little bit about the 'weigh' I was before 2008.
- I found myself buying button up shirts because I thought they were cute, knowing full well that I couldn't button them. "I'll just leave them open and put a shirt underneath" I would tell myself...at least then I could feel a little cute when I went out.
- My pants were getting too tight, but instead of giving in and buying the next size up, I rigged up a little stretch system, using a hair-tie through my pants button hole, attached to the button. It gave me an extra inch and half or so of room at the top while sparing me the personal embarrassment of yet again getting bigger jeans.
- Eating out was easier...especially for lunch. Could I have made myself a lunch? Sure. But I think if I am being honest, I knew that deep down that fatty food was doing something for me...not something good. It was keeping me down, but I craved it.
- I ate when I was bored. I mean it...all the time. I have never been an emotional eater. I haven't struggled with that. For me, it was... "Oh it's 10:15 pm and I am watching TV and my mouth is bored...lemme get a sandwich." I wasn't hungry...I don't think I ever was when I ate at those times.
- Grabbing a soda was way more inviting than water, especially a Grape Soda. Water was so plain and boring and blahhh. I would kid myself when I said things like, "I drank a bottle of water at work today...so I can have four sodas at home tonight." Like that one bottle of water made any difference at all.
- I got winded taking the stairs. I found that I couldn't talk for a couple minutes after climbing the stairs at work...I hoped that when I opened the door to my office there wouldn't be anyone there that I needed to greet. That way I wouldn't sound like a fat, out-of-shape mess when I said, "Good Morning."
- The idea of doing yard work and gardening was always on my mind, yet I would start a project...barely get through it and be out of breath and exhausted...then I would stop.
- I didn't feel pretty...at all. I felt like a fat-lazy-no-good-unpretty person.

But I kept doing it all...the eating, the not exercising, the tricks to make myself seem smaller...Until January 2nd, 2008.

It was literally that morning that I said enough was enough. After Mom going through her major heart surgery, and me seeing how well she was doing losing weight...making a difference in how she ate so she wouldn't be in the same position again...I had seen myself in her. All of my eating choices, my choice to watch TV instead of being active...all of it. I was over it. I wouldn't end up in her shoes...needing surgery and putting myself, my body, my heart at risk.

So I joined Weight Watchers. January 2nd-March 2nd went GREAT....I dropped 22 pounds and I was on top of the world!! March through the middle of July went just as well...I lost another 12 pounds! Then enter the PLATEAU. The dreaded WALL in the middle of your weight loss.

Looking back. It absolutely GOT the best of me. For the next 4 months I would bounce around like a yo-yo...up .08, down 1.2, up 1.5, down .05...until by the end of November...I had gained back 5 pounds.

I know it doesn't seem like alot. But I was down...and I was kicking MYSELF while I was down. I stopped trying. I sold the lie to myself saying...OK take a week off...just eat whatever, next week we will kick our rear into gear...but that week turned into a month.

And here I am still. I honestly don't know HOW much I have gained back. I am actually terrified to go weigh in. By my estimation...I would put myself around 212ish...that would mean that I have put BACK on 12 or so pounds of the 34 that I had originally lost.

Now I am by no means back to the weigh I was before...but I can see how easily I would get there. I am scared now because I cancelled my WW membership in order to save $40 a month. I honestly KNOW that I can track my points and do it on my own....I CAN discipline myself to stay off the scale except for one day a week. I know that I can journal my food and all of that. But for some reason...I am stuck.

Why is this? What has happened. I was on a ROLL there...I could actually be pretty much on target if it weren't for my plateau, and then letting that plateau win and basically giving up in the past month or so. And it seems so easy to say right here, right now...that I am DONE again...I MEAN it this time. I am GOING to lose the rest of this weight...but I feel like there are shackles on my ankles and something is keeping me down.

I want this. I want to lose this weight...and I am past the point of wanting it because I want to look cute or because I want to be able to buy the cute clothes or not feel like the fat girl in the room. I want this because I want to be HEALTHY and because I want to have a BABY. I want to live a long-happy-fulfilled life. There is so much that is uncertain in this world, and I want to know that I am doing everything to ensure a healthy, long life. I know that being healthier will only aid in my chances of conceiving a child too.

*at the risk of sounding extremely cheesy* I am honestly feeling like I am standing on the edge of an even bigger cliff than the one I stood on back on January 2nd of this year. This seems harder. I am at the point now where it's going to be HARD work. I am going to have to make some SERIOUS changes. I am going to have to
PUSH through ME
the biggest WALL of all...to get where I want to go!

I know that I can do it. I DO believe in myself. I will do this.


Thanks for listening...I know I needed this.