Monday, March 08, 2010

a look back...Journaling Part 1

April writing...

I got a great idea in the shower the other day; I had been meaning to pull out some of my old journals and re-read them. I like doing that every so often. Although I didn't journal NEAR enough when I was younger! While I was reading, I thought it would be a neat idea to share some of the entries with you...Especially some of the ones that show how Husby and I started our relationship. I have changed some names for privacy purposes...if you know me...then you know who the boyfriend was and who Husby is...just to clear that up! Here we go:

"July 20, 2000,
Tonight me and the boyfriend went out. I had a really great time! It seems that we have rough times, followed by really great times. It's a shame I am leaving on Sunday for a week. I am going to really miss the boyfriend.
The boyfriend really is a great guy, it's been really hard lately. A lot of rough patches for us, but Dad seems to be warming up to him again...which is great. We will see how things go; maybe he will come back to church again. I miss being able to go to the same church as him.
Oh well, after a night like tonight, I am really happy."

The boyfriend and I had already been together for 5 years. We had our share of ups and downs. I think we really felt that we would be together forever, we talked about day. We hung out as much as we could. But there were a few things that as I look back onto it now, I realize that maybe we weren't as good together as I thought then. I rarely saw his family or went to his house. He was always at my house. I know he had his reasons for it, but I never quite understood why...but I was young and hated conflict, so I never pushed the issue. He had a tendency to want to take "breaks" from the relationship around weddings or other important events. He was friends with one guy that deep down, just gave me the willies. He always did. I never could quite put my finger on it. I really didn't like how close he was to this person, I felt that he was pulling the boyfriend away from not only me, but church, and from his relationship with God. Towards the end of our relationship alot of junk went down, alot of stuff that I directly attributed to this friend of the boyfriend and his negative way of thinking.

There are a few other entries alot like this one from July 20th. I actually had forgotten how rough it was for me and the boyfriend at the end of our relationship. He had stopped attending our church due to some...spiritual and personal differences and in my opinion he wasn't in a good place personally. It was really hard for me. I was young and naive to think that I could fix him and help him. But he had his own things to go through, and so did I. The thing was...with the boyfriend not attending our church, (which was where I spent the majority of my time) it left alot of time for me to get closer to Husby who at the time was pursuing, with my help, a relationship with one of the other girls in the youth group. We really were best friends. I had no feelings for him, in fact if you read our story will see that for a long time, I didn't care much for him at all. We were complete opposites and I really didn't like his player ways.

Let's see how things played out in the weeks following July 20th, 2000.

"July 31, 2000,
Well, we had a great trip to St. Louis, I enjoyed myself and the time with the kids...but I am glad to be back home, even though tonight was pretty tough.
You see, we were about 30 minutes from home and I called the boyfriend to let him know that I was almost home. And to say he was upset with me, wouldn't even scrap the surface. He said he was mad because I hadn't called him in 6 days, and that he didn't want to be with me anymore if I continued to put other things in front of our relationship, which I admittedly do. After all I had no good reason not to call him the entire time I was gone, it's not like I didn't have any downtime.
So we agreed to meet up and go out that night to see a movie and have dinner and talk.
I got really upset during dinner because there was alot of tension and I did not want to break up with him!
We talked and I said many, many apologies and I thought by the end of dinner that we may be alright. He was still feeling like we should break up or at least take a break and figure some things out. So after dinner I was crying non-stop, so we called off the movie idea and decided to go park and talk some more. He said he felt like I put alot of stuff in front of our relationship, I told him I felt the same way. We both agreed that we had both made some bad decisions on how to treat our relationship. He also said that he felt like I was too close to Husby, and that I was allowing Husby to get to close to me. I don't understand this really because Husby is just my friend. I have no feelings for him and besides, he is with his girlfriend. All my explaining must have just seemed defensive in the boyfriends eyes though. He cried too. He said he would do anything so he wouldn't lose me to him. He was really hurt, I could tell.
After we talked for a long time, he took me home. We talked more downstairs. I told him how much it hurt me when he left the church because it felt like we lost a "spiritual" connection. When he left I felt like it killed a big part of our relationship. Hopefully we will be able to work things out, I do love him and I don't want to give up, but this battle may be out of our hands."

Wow. Intense much? To be quite honest, I can remember that talk in the car very vividly. I think I knew deep down then, even though we had agreed to work on things that it was the end. By this point in our relationship we had broken up, taken "breaks" and gotten back together more times than I could count. In fact, it was quite the running joke between us girls. In the next few entries of my journal, things really started looking up, (but I realize now, that they always did after a near break-up or a quick break for us, and we were never really a healthy relationship after a certain point.) In fact the boyfriend did come back to our church and started attending again, and he did make alot of very healthy changes in his life...

...and things did continue to go well for almost a month, and for the first time for me personally, I began doing alot of soul searching and a lot of praying...check back tomorrow for part 2.

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